Tuesday, 5 May 2009

The IPL Workout Guide

Most of us have probably given over our entire evenings these days to watching cricket on TV. But just because the IPL is on doesn't mean you can allow yourself to sit around and get fat and lethargic (that holds for you too, Jesse Ryder). While it may be impossible to resist watching the game long enough to go to the gym or go for a run, there's always the option of working out in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Here are some workout routines that you can follow without missing a second of the game. Whoever said watching TV isn't good for your health?

The Little Master Fat-Blaster sequence
Sachin's managed to torch away all that puppy fat in time to replace it with a more age-appropriate bulge around the midriff and now, so can you! What's more, you can do that while watching him bat. Just follow this simple routine: Whenever Mumbai Indians go out to bat, starting from the first ball to the strategic time-out (or till Sachin gets out, whichever is earlier), get up and do 10 jumping jacks every time Sachin adjusts his crotch guard. On a good wicket, you should get in a pretty intense workout, enough to get you into fighting shape by the finals.

Sixers to Six-packs
Get down and do 6 crunches every time a batsman hits a six. Your abs will be DLF'ed in no time! Bonus tip: Do an extra 3 crunches if Mark Nicholas reacts to the shot with a 'You beauty!'.
Note: Beginners are advised to try this routine only when the Kolkata Knight Riders are batting, to avoid too much strain.

Avoid a Middle Order Collapse
Watching the Rajasthan Royals this year, you would have realized that no matter how strong you are at the top or the bottom, what you really need to win is a strong core. Try doing the Downward Dog pose every time the Royals lose a wicket between the 6th and the 15th over, and you'll have a core stronger than Mohammed Kaif's defensive technique in no time!

Strategic Time-out Fielding Practice
Feel your blood pressure rising every time you see an anchor trying to make inane conversation? Don't let it get to you - instead, use it to improve your hand-eye coordination. Get yourself a (soft) stress-buster ball and try throwing it at the TV screen every time the anchor comes on. Give yourself points for every direct hit. For an extra challenge, try it when one of those Vodafone ads are on, picking up a particular Zoozoo for target practice. Not only will this improve your mood, it'll improve your fielding in the next weekend cricket game.

Too many Cricks, not enough info?
So you're cheesed off because you're still at work instead of home watching the game, and now that the Fake IPL player's posts have become rarer, you're stuck with Cricinfo Page 2 for your daily dose of 'cricketainment'. Try this simple routine: open up Tishani Doshi's column in your browser and gently stretch your back and neck while reading, until you get to the first mention of any of the actual games or the fourth paragraph, whichever is earlier (usually the latter). That should get the blood flowing again.

Please make it a point to consult your physician before trying any of the above exercises. Also, please don't forget to draw the curtains beforehand - you wouldn't want your neighbours looking in to see you ostensibly panting at Mandira Bedi, now, would you?


  1. Awesome! Although I don't mind confessing that I actually like the Vodafone ads.
    But really well written - hilarious reading.

  2. Thanks! As for those Vodafone creatures, they were nice initially, but to see a new ad every day gets a little annoying, especially since each one gets progressively noisier.

  3. You still get a new one everyday? Not bad, eh?Their agency (is it still O&M?) would've made a killing.

    I like the exercises. I wish I could watch some cricket here. Did you know ALL baseball players look like Zoozoo men?

  4. Murthy! Where are you now? It looks like there's a new Zoozoo ad approximately everyday. Then again, I'm not keeping track.
    I did get to watch a baseball game in Boston last year, so yeah, I know most of the players look like Zoozoos. Except for the ones hopped up on steroids. Don't even bother watching baseball on TV - it makes Test cricket between Bangladesh and Zimbabwe in Chittagong seem exciting in comparison. At least if you watch it live the crowd keeps you entertained.

  5. I'm in the land of the Phillies, not far from the home of the Braves.

    I read somewhere that the Zoozoos are actually slim-figured women in padded white costumes. Not sure why they had to be slim-figured, but there you go...

  6. So tell me, Jose, does that star-spangled banner yet wave?
    The Zoozoos are indeed skinny women. I linked to that article (you can find it in the 'Stuff that caught my attention' section up top). They're also, incidentally, quite short. Something to do with getting the proportions comically right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it), I suppose. You could check this video out to get a sense of scale.
    Considering that these are skinny women, I wonder if they're struggling-model types. They would have starved themselves to look all slim and everything and when they finally got their big break on TV, it would be wearing a fat suit and a big white egg on their head...that would be almost soul-crushingly ironic

  7. That's right...I had in fact read it from your reader share.

    Have a good trip to Kerala - may you consume toddy and tapioca in equal measure. Wish Mikesh from me.